It ain’t oRDinArY

I’ve been in the market looking for a GPS Navigator for quite some time. Most of it does not satisfied me. It’s either too cheap, too expensive, too tiny, too bulky, too user unfriendly, too functionless, too pretty, too techy, too cool, too uncool, too phone-like, too un-phone-like. The list goes on and on which now makes me feel that the word “too” is too weird.

Or you might say, I does not satisfied the navigators too. As they will think I harass them all without paying a single cent. After all these searching and touching, you may now officially call me a Navigator Harasser. Well… or maybe a stingy buyer. That is what I think most of the sales people have in the back of their mind. There is this particular pretty lady though, which I think thought of me differently. She will surely thinks I’m a stalker for going round and round her phone stall.

Why can’t they make useful GPS navigators that serves all my needs? It’s my Needs. Not my Wants. If only there is a navigator that has all these functions:

1. Shows the way out of a Basement Carpark
With the ever complicated Basement Carparks mushrooming around the big cities, I hope the Navi will be able to guide me through these mazes. This includes going in the right direction and having the shortest route out of the crazy basements. It will be an added advantage if they can show me a way out without having to pay the ticket.

2. Shows the way out of Any Carpark
Having giving it a thought, it’s not only basement parkings. How about showing me the way out of all carparks. It also must be functional enough to guide me away from the maniacs driving in the wrong direction. Similar to above, an added advantage if they can show me a way out through the kerbs or through any area by-passing the ticketing booth.

3. Shows me a good carpark location
Since time is money and I’m wasting a lot of time looking for parking lots, I will need a Navi that shows me a good carpark location. When I go to 1U GSC, they will guide me to a carpark at New Wing level 4 closest to the cinema entrance. When I wanted to buy groceries at 1U Jusco, they will guide me to a carpark at Old Wing ground level closest to the hypermarket.

3a. Shows liling how to park sideways
As I have a partner that does not know how to side park a car, I will need the Navi to guide her into a parking spot. This includes all acceleration and deceleration, turning degree of the steering wheel, and the distance calculated between all cars. In case of emergency, it shall deflate all protection airbags installed around the bumpers.

4. Shows me a route with traffic light coordination
I hate wasting time waiting at traffic lights. Therefore, the Navi shall be able to record and calculate all timers at traffic light junctions. It will then shows me the fastest way to a location by taking into account the shortest waiting interval at each and every traffic light. And this must also includes calculation of the length of waiting vehicles at the junction.

5. Shows me the locations of all traffic police & JPJ officers
The Navi should be able to locate all traffic officers, policemen and road & transport
authorities at live time. This will enable me to get to a location faster and easier without going through any jam inducing road blocks that is a nuisance to the traffic society.

6. Shows me the locations of all Mat Rempits
Safety is everyone’s concern in the current trend of snatch thefts and Rempit-ful maniacs on the road. The Navi shall locate all these maniacs and show me a route far from these bast**ds while at the same time gave me the shortest route to the specified location. It shall also automatically report the maniacs directly to ISA.

7. Communicate with other GPS Navigators
This is a very important function. It should be able to communicate with other Navigators in other cars. When there is an accident on the route I’m travelling and there are no other optional route available, it shall instruct all other GPS Navigators to take control of the cars and move out of my way. This will then give me a clear journey.

8. Shows me the live time location of all jams and how far they stretch
It should be able to give me live time records of traffic jams and divert me to a less irritating road. This live time announcement of traffic jams shall also includes how far the jam stretch. As a KL road user, most of us do understand that an accident at TTDI can stretch the whole LDP until Puchong.

9. Has the voice of Rainie for voice navigation
I am bored with all the voice navigation currently available in the market with their computerized and boring voice. I would like a live version of Rainie doing the voice navigation. She can be in Taiwan enjoying herself in her home but also doing the voice navigation for me through internet streaming. It will be a plus point if she acts cute when she felt that I had a bad day.

10. Battery that last a lifetime with the price of peanuts
Last but not least, the Navi’s battery should be able to last me a lifetime without charging. If it cannot last a lifetime, at least it should be able to hold out until Rainie retired from doing voice navigation or her voice starts to sound like an old radio. This whole basic package of a GPS Navigator should also cost only peanuts.