It ain’t oRDinArY

Good news! There are no more cases of the flu virus A(H1N1) in Malaysia. This happens due to the fast thinking of our Information Minister. In no time, I think we will gladly inform the world that there are indeed no cases of A(H1N1) over here as we only have “swine flu”.

As reported by the media a few days back, Information Communication and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim suggested all media return to using the term “swine flu” instead of H1N1. He said this was to ensure that the people realised the danger of the disease and to get the message across to them more accurately. It is also easier for (radio and television) announcers to state “selsema babi” (swine flu) than H1N1 in Bahasa Melayu.

It seems that the radio and television announcers in Malaysia is very bad in pronounciation therefore the need to have easier words for them to read. Selsema Babi is indeed easier than H-satu-N-satu. Just as how Encik should be easier to pronouce than Datuk-Seri-Dr. Now, why didn’t he suggest simplifying his protocol? So, if in any case this Encik get infected by selsema babi, does that make him non-halal?

Another reason pointed out by our beloved Encik who is in-charged of giving “Information” is that renaming it to “swine flu” will ensure that the message is brought across accurately. I totally agree on this, hands down. Imagine the following scenario:

Mr.A : Why is it called swine flu? I thought WHO renamed it to A(H1N1) to avoid confusion?
Mr.B : We, Malaysians are smarter than WHO. A(H1N1) will confuse people. Swine Flu will not!
Mr.A : Oh, does this means that all the cases now comes through contact with pigs?
Mr.B : Nope. The world is in panic as this flu is currently transmitted through humans.
Mr.A : Do we then get infected if we eat pork?
Mr.B : Not much of a chance if the porks are cooked.
Mr.A : Since pork is non-halal, is it a “dosa” if we get infected?
Mr.B : No!
Mr.A : Hmm…I think I get it. The Swine flu is currently transmitted through humans and not through pigs, we do not get infected if we eat cooked pork, and it is not “haram” getting infected.
Mr.B : Yup, you are correct. That is why we renamed it to “swine flu” even when it basically has nothing to do with swine. This will ensure people like you will not get confused

So, we should glorify our Encik with “Information” as there are currently no new cases of A(H1N1) in Malaysia. We only have a few “swine flu” cases that is not related to swine.

I do not understand why people do tags. Collar tags, name tags, road tags, thumb tags, you tag, I tag, etc. Anyhow, I just realised I’ve been tagged by Daniel. Woo hoo!!!!  I think I should start wearing a shirt saying “I’m Tagged”. Just like a guy I saw the other day wearing a shirt with the caption “I’m Facebooked”. I will certainly not bet against future kids writing essays with words such as facebooking, facebookers, facebooken. Hopefully there won’t be any face-BooKi written on the toilet doors.

Without much ado, my list are as follows:

Ass – Clean, chubby with a bit of spring on the inside, smooth on the outside
Booze – My first Swing from Johnnie Walker which made me puke
Car – Impreza, A4, Scirocco, CLS, XF and certainly an Orange Koenigsegg
Dance – Break, Strip, Tease, Belly and the occasional Lap
Entrepreneur – The one who brings you Dure Syok
Friends – Joey, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross
Games – FIFA 06 (my PC can’t support a newer version than this)
Hero – That Japanese guy named… Doraemon
Identity – The Handsome guy, Tall guy, Cool and Muscular Guy
Jadan (mandarin) – C4 is the best!
Kiss – French with a tinge of American and the breath of a Malaysian
Legs – Thin, non-hairy for girls. Huge, furry for guys
Mints – Hacks and Halls. Not forgetting the Pepper Mints
Nipple – I will not trade my nipples for any others. Well…unless it’s Will Smith’s
Office – GooglePlex. I would want to work in some place like that
Place – Kampar. We welcome you with “Have you taste the goodness of CB!”
Quote – Do not make sense not to live for fun
Race – Human Racing, F1 Racing, Horse Racing, not Rempit-racing
Shits – 60% hard, 30% soft, 10% water. Too soft is too hard to clean.
Tips – If someone’s tipping me, a blank cheque will do. Thanks
Underwear – If only there are self-cleaning underwears…
V-Signs – Front V for Peace, Inverted V for shouting at traffic
Www – blogs, email, social networkings, news, information
X-files – The mysterious untraceable pens on the office table
Year – 1984
Zodiac – Xiong Ji Jor

I’m not tagging anyone due to the fact that insufficient bloggers read my site. LOL~

It’s been quite a while since my last post. As an avid Arsenal fan, a trophyless season again brings me disappointment. I have been trying to hide from the lights. Occasionally coming out of the hole to nibble on some leftover food. But while bears hibernate during the cold weather, the extremely burning temperature at night just made me think about Arsenal’s season.

Most people will argue that the season is lost due to the youthful team. With players with an average age of 22, no wonder they lost. Come on, we just have to be realistic. You’re 22, you earn RM250,000 per week. Surely we cannot blame them if they can’t outrun an uncle on the pitch.

The teenage players performance on the field can be liken to teen sex. Last season, when most of them started playing together, it’s like having sex for the first time. Peaking earlier on and having some premature ejaculation. Arsenal leads the table for most of the season. But during the last few critical games, they lost steam and down they go. This year, you will have thought they learnt their lessons. My oh my, they took it slowly, afraid of peaking too early and losing steam during the climax. Once again their lack of experience betrayed them. The slow pace throughout the season just tired them and they could not climax even once during the whole period. Talking bout kids…

Another reason for Arsenal’s failure is that they lost to a certain guy, Delap, from Stoke City. The way he launched his throw-ins into the penalty box brings chaos to almost all defences. I am pretty sure North Korea will sign him during the next transfer window.

And there is always the name connection. Who in their right mind will buy someone who has ‘injury’ written all over their name? No matter how good he is, being injured for 15 months tells the whole story about Thomas roSICKy. The only people that works well with ARSenal are ARSene and ARShavin. I would suggest buying a certain ARShole if they are looking to win a cup next season.

I am still a loyal Arsenal fan no matter how many seasons they remain trophyless. But I do hope that they will bring more entertainment to the fans. Just shoot damnit. Being youngsters, they should have enough energy to keep shooting every minute of the match for the whole season. If you’re tired, just grab a number from some Malaysia lamppost and order your UBAT LELAKI KUAT. That will ensure you peak the whole season!

I really cannot help but salute Tony for his entrepreneur mind.  He’s the director of Tune Ventures which in turn has a large stake in Tune Hotels and Tune Money. He is also the founder of Tune Air which holds some stake in Air Asia, a household name in Malaysia. I then saw from their Tune Group website that there are a few more names being lined up; Tune Talk, Tune Gamer, Tune Store and Tune Entertainment.

A great man like him must have given a lot of thought into his company name before starting his business. Well, branding is important and I think most of the branded names should have input from feng shui masters. Me, being a guy who is unable to employ the services of lilian or joey, must make do with some adjustments. Since Tony = Tune, I might as well use Derk = Durex Dure (pronounced ‘diu-li’)

I’ll dive into the car markets since everyone is complaining about the prices of cars in our country. I’ll use RM1 to buy over some failing car company at this economic recession, renamed it Dure and start producing a basic car. Car name = Dure Syok. My targeted market is young cantonese speaking males.

I’m targeting young people as they have less cash and are more willing to buy cheap stuff. Targeting cantonese speaking people as only they can understand the car name. And targeting males as they are more willing to buy weird stuff. This car will only have:

• 1 seat – A young male will fetch no one except a hot chick. With no passenger seat, she’ll have no reason not to sit on the lap
• no air-con – Young males tend to open their windows for smoking, wooing girls, spitting, shouting. Thus, no difference with or without air-con
• no radio – Young males will modify the cars to their own liking. And the first thing they dump out of the car is the original stereo set. So why pay for something you do not want?
• no headlights – Since drivers nowadays do not switch on their headlights but foglights, only foglights will be installed
• no wipers – Save on wiper blades. Since the window is open all of the time, the driver can use his hand to clear it during rainy days.
• no turn signal lights – You do not need something you do not use

If you think there is no other possible way to make a car cheaper than this, I’ll throw in some extra discounts if you’re willing to make the car a mobile advertisement board. Your whole car will have sponsor advertisements painted all over. These adverts will be updated during every car service. So, you’ll have a new paint job everytime you come to my Dure Service Centre.

Sounds Good? Why wait? Buy a Dure Syok today. Now, everyone can drive!

Out of curiosity, I’ve customized a desktop PC through Alienware and I realised that a fully functional PC that can satisfy my technology lust costs US$12,900 (approx. RM 45,000)  I think it will helps me enlarge my butt while I remain seated in front of it for my whole life years playing games, watching movies, listening to music and googling at pictures. Woah! a PC suited for the ladies looking for a butt job.

It has four storage drive of 1TB each which brings us a total of 4TB. There is also an additional 1.5TB external harddrive. At this point of customizing, I’m lost. TB? Why do I need TB for my PC storage? When did this deadly infectious disease starts infecting PC? So shall we now call it A(TB) as they does not only affects human (similar to swine > human flu)

Some searching on geek sites summarize that 4TB + 1.5TB = 5.5 TB.  Which is 5500 GB, which is equivalent to 5,500,000 MB, equivalent to 2750 Pendrives. A rough calculation shows that this amount of pendrive, when jointed together can act as a cushion for my now enlarged butt.

5.5TB can gives us around 5,500 movies. This will be approximately 11,000 hours of high quality movies. Wow, if I sleep on my chair for 8 hours a day, I will need around 2 years to finish watching the movies on my new PC. This does not include the time usage for meals or bathroom emergencies. I’ve made a pre-assumption that I can do all these while keeping my eyes locked on the screen.

When I have finish watching these movies, I will then start installing and watching the dramas in Real Player file. A total of 16,000 hours of TVB Series, TV Series will takes me 3 years.

I will have the priviledge of storage for 1,375,000 songs. Let’s assume that each song plays for 4 minutes. I will need 92,000 hours of non-stop listening to finish all these songs. Hmmm…. 92,000 hours … 16 hours a day… 5750 days. Yes! 16 years of music humming around the house.

Now’s the turn for the photos. As most of us take a whole lot of photos throughout our lifetime, it only make sense that we save them and view them when we are free. Why else do we keep snapping photos and saving them to our computers? Do we just leave them there, hoping that they will make friends among themselves? Well, mine do. It’s only yesterday that I saw my bikini photo getting hit on by my macho pics.

6,875,000 photos will surely takes quite some time to view. Assuming 15 seconds of viewing on each photo, it will take 5 years to view them all before I can catch the culprit that is wooing the bikini me.

Now, this total up to 26 years which comes up to ONLY RM4.75/day! This sounds really good as when I finish watching, listening and viewing, I will be at my retirement age. I can then go out and enjoy life rather than sitting at home facing the computer. Well, that is if I can lift my enlarged butt off the pendrive cushion.

I’ve been in the market looking for a GPS Navigator for quite some time. Most of it does not satisfied me. It’s either too cheap, too expensive, too tiny, too bulky, too user unfriendly, too functionless, too pretty, too techy, too cool, too uncool, too phone-like, too un-phone-like. The list goes on and on which now makes me feel that the word “too” is too weird.

Or you might say, I does not satisfied the navigators too. As they will think I harass them all without paying a single cent. After all these searching and touching, you may now officially call me a Navigator Harasser. Well… or maybe a stingy buyer. That is what I think most of the sales people have in the back of their mind. There is this particular pretty lady though, which I think thought of me differently. She will surely thinks I’m a stalker for going round and round her phone stall.

Why can’t they make useful GPS navigators that serves all my needs? It’s my Needs. Not my Wants. If only there is a navigator that has all these functions:

1. Shows the way out of a Basement Carpark
With the ever complicated Basement Carparks mushrooming around the big cities, I hope the Navi will be able to guide me through these mazes. This includes going in the right direction and having the shortest route out of the crazy basements. It will be an added advantage if they can show me a way out without having to pay the ticket.

2. Shows the way out of Any Carpark
Having giving it a thought, it’s not only basement parkings. How about showing me the way out of all carparks. It also must be functional enough to guide me away from the maniacs driving in the wrong direction. Similar to above, an added advantage if they can show me a way out through the kerbs or through any area by-passing the ticketing booth.

3. Shows me a good carpark location
Since time is money and I’m wasting a lot of time looking for parking lots, I will need a Navi that shows me a good carpark location. When I go to 1U GSC, they will guide me to a carpark at New Wing level 4 closest to the cinema entrance. When I wanted to buy groceries at 1U Jusco, they will guide me to a carpark at Old Wing ground level closest to the hypermarket.

3a. Shows liling how to park sideways
As I have a partner that does not know how to side park a car, I will need the Navi to guide her into a parking spot. This includes all acceleration and deceleration, turning degree of the steering wheel, and the distance calculated between all cars. In case of emergency, it shall deflate all protection airbags installed around the bumpers.

4. Shows me a route with traffic light coordination
I hate wasting time waiting at traffic lights. Therefore, the Navi shall be able to record and calculate all timers at traffic light junctions. It will then shows me the fastest way to a location by taking into account the shortest waiting interval at each and every traffic light. And this must also includes calculation of the length of waiting vehicles at the junction.

5. Shows me the locations of all traffic police & JPJ officers
The Navi should be able to locate all traffic officers, policemen and road & transport
authorities at live time. This will enable me to get to a location faster and easier without going through any jam inducing road blocks that is a nuisance to the traffic society.

6. Shows me the locations of all Mat Rempits
Safety is everyone’s concern in the current trend of snatch thefts and Rempit-ful maniacs on the road. The Navi shall locate all these maniacs and show me a route far from these bast**ds while at the same time gave me the shortest route to the specified location. It shall also automatically report the maniacs directly to ISA.

7. Communicate with other GPS Navigators
This is a very important function. It should be able to communicate with other Navigators in other cars. When there is an accident on the route I’m travelling and there are no other optional route available, it shall instruct all other GPS Navigators to take control of the cars and move out of my way. This will then give me a clear journey.

8. Shows me the live time location of all jams and how far they stretch
It should be able to give me live time records of traffic jams and divert me to a less irritating road. This live time announcement of traffic jams shall also includes how far the jam stretch. As a KL road user, most of us do understand that an accident at TTDI can stretch the whole LDP until Puchong.

9. Has the voice of Rainie for voice navigation
I am bored with all the voice navigation currently available in the market with their computerized and boring voice. I would like a live version of Rainie doing the voice navigation. She can be in Taiwan enjoying herself in her home but also doing the voice navigation for me through internet streaming. It will be a plus point if she acts cute when she felt that I had a bad day.

10. Battery that last a lifetime with the price of peanuts
Last but not least, the Navi’s battery should be able to last me a lifetime without charging. If it cannot last a lifetime, at least it should be able to hold out until Rainie retired from doing voice navigation or her voice starts to sound like an old radio. This whole basic package of a GPS Navigator should also cost only peanuts.

I was asked by a Form 4 student to give ideas and help out in her studies. I thought, “Hey, how hard can Form 4 stuffs be?”
Well, it ain’t hard. It just did not make sense. I was told that a school teacher instructed the whole class to finish up 5 essays and hand it in next Monday. One of the topics made my eyes…and for a short while, my balls, jump out. Please find below, my writings for the essay.
(I’m writing on behalf of the Form4 girl)

“Getting married is important, do you agree?”

In my personal humble opinion, and also that of my first boyfriend; I do agree that getting married is important. That is why I agreed to my boyfriends’ proposal when he get down on his knees and asked for my acceptance. When I accepted him into my life as a boyfriend, I thought “Hey, he’s going to marry me and keep me company for my whole life”. And I am sure that at 16 years old, he understood that being my boyfriend does indeed means being my husband. That is why we are calling each other wifey and hubby all the time. Heck, we even decided to get married the first thing in the morning.
By next morning, we had to attend school; so we had to postpone our marriage plan. Nonetheless, as we are already husband and wife (in our heart and mind), we might as well do some married couple stuff. My hubby told me that married couple sleeps together and have intimate touches and pillow fighting. Since he’s my hubby, and we’re going to get married, we end up doing a lot of those sleeping stuff. So, yes, I agree that marriage is important.

But wait, I do remember that according to my current boyfriend, marriage is not important. We can still call each other hubby and wifey and yet be free of the hassles of marriage. I used to question him regarding our marriage date, and his answers are always “I’m too busy with my studies”. I guess, since my mummy always told me that “Studies must come first”, I just have to let him focus on his studies.
Seeing that I’m so eager to get married, my boyfriend gave me a suggestion. He suggest that we do all the married couple things minus getting married. That will prove to me that marriage is not that important after all. So, from then till now, we sleep together, have intimate touching and pillow fighting. Since I call him a hubby and do all those sleeping stuff with him without getting married, I agree that marriage is not that important after all.

All these hubby calling and doing things which I think have to be done after marriage and doing it before getting married, I’m getting frustrated. Well, I think I’ll put in a divorce into the picture and call it a day.

Both are Professionals. Both are well known career paths. And for most parents, it’s the only career paths they will encourage their children to go for. What are the similarities and differences between this two?

Before I start the comparisons, I would like to point out that the world richest people are neither doctors nor engineers. What a happy start

What people think of them in general:
Doctors – Good doctors come with good memories. Common Sense kills
Engineers – Good engineers come with good common sense. Memorizing kills
Reality – Doctors only need a convincing voice. Engineers need only a loud one.

What people think of them in relation with economy:
Doctors – They are never affected by the economy downturn
Engineers – They are only affected by the economy downturn
Reality – When the economy is bad, people go to public hospitals rather than private clinics. When the economy is good, cost for construction materials skyrocket.

What people think of their position:
Doctors – They are at the top of the hospital hierarchy
Engineers – They are at the top of the construction industry
Reality – Pharmacist always argue that they know more than the doctors. Drafters always argue that they know more than the engineers.

What people think of their salary:
Doctors – A very high paying job which can buy you tens of Mercedes
Engineers – A very high paying job which can buy you tens of Land Rovers
Reality – Doctors argued they get paid peanuts while working 36 hours a day. Engineers argued to be paid at least some peanuts by end of the day.

What TV makes people think of them:
Doctors – TVB Series Healing Hands, US series ER shows high profile doctors who looks like heros
Engineers – National Geographic Megastructures, Discovery Superstructures made all engineers looks awesome
Reality – There are other series which made you think twice about these careers. “Kingdom Hospital” and “Prison Break”

What people expect them to know best:
Doctors – They have perfect health due to their understanding on all medical related items
Engineers – They have perfect houses with no cracks due to their understanding on all building related items
Reality – Doctors, as mentioned above, work 36 hours a day which make it impossible to have a check on their own health. Engineers, as mentioned above, can’t even have enough peanuts to keep the stomach full. And you’re talking bout perfect houses.

What people expect from them:
Doctors – They must give perfect prescription and you expect to get well with the first tablet
Engineers – They must build perfect structures and you do not expect any cracks in all structures
Reality – Pharmacists pass you your medicine, but you never question them eh? Architects specified waterproofing and are in-charged of brickwalls and plastering. Not Engineers!

3 brains are better than 2. 2 brains are most often better than 1. While a single brain is never worse than none. However, one head is always better than two. Particularly if the other starts with a ‘butt’. Or it starts with a ‘pig’ etc.

My experience with one of these heads came during a seminar I was attending. Well, during the seminar (which is a launching of a new version of software) I met an ex-university mate, which I will gladly call Butt1. Butt1 asked whether I’m using the latest version of the software; which I answered no, as I felt that the upgrade is not a necessity. The reaction from Butt1 is shockingly disturbing, as if I’ve just done some C4 bombing/or sniffing of someone’s Butt. Butt1’s immediate response was, “How do you design for X*,then?”.

I laugh as loud as a big fart and reply at the top of my voice, “You do not deserve to be an engineer as you read your analysis results based on something you don’t know from a program you do not understand. It is actually a very basic engineering element which was taught in our university and the calculation can be done manually within a few minutes.” Well, that was what I thought I’m going to say. Instead, I just smile and walk away. But the fact that Butt1 needs to use a program to run the design just bring to us a reality check.

A background stories on some probable civil engineers or any other graduates:

1. They passed STPM with a few B’s and C’s and applied for acceptance into University.
2. They get their 8th choice of Civil Engineering and was sent to a local university.
3. They played Warcraft, FIFA 09, Need for Speed and barely get by the exams.
4. Nonetheless, they can graduate with CGPA of 2.00 and start work as an engineer.
5. They do not understand a damn thing about Structural Integrity and Professional Responsibility.
6. They can design your First Floor supporting your brickwalls below. (It’s like walking with your head and thinking with your feet)
7. They happily tell the end-user that the Bridges you drive over, Drains to counter flooding and Highway roads are designed by them.
8. When instead, the Condominium you’re paying with your life savings are done with some clicking of the mouse with the occasional “How to design this? Takpe lah, program sure betul”

Well, programs may be “betul” just like how 1+1=2. But if people asked you “Satu C4 untuk Satu Orang” and you answer 1+1=2, you are screwed as a close examination of the question will reveal that 1-1=0. In Chinese, people say “guai ng ji your mum is woman meh”. But sometimes it can also be, “Sorry, her mum is Thomas Beatie from Oregon”

Thomas Beatie the first pregnant man

*X stands for some engineering term which I gladly replace with an alphabet so as to not bored my readers, as I felt ‘X’ is cool for an engineering term which engineering in reality isn’t.